Romantic Irony
by Kirrae
Summary: Was it too much to ask for an intelligent best friend who knew without being told? And honestly, was he even in a relationship anyway? CloudxRiku
1. Chapter 1

Title: Romantic Irony

Author: Kirrae

Pairings: CloudxRiku, RikuxSora (one sided), CloudxLeon (one sided)

Summary: Was it too much to ask for an intelligent best friend who knew without being told?

Disclaimer: Like everyone else on this site, I do not own the characters, they belong to Square Enix, their creator Tetsuya Nomura, and Disney. I only own these words.

Chapter Note: I know that it's a pain to review, and sometimes you can't even think of anything to say. I understand, but I would appreciate it if you could share your thoughts, something creative, if possible. I hope this makes sense to you all. I understand it, but then, I wrote it, so I should be able to. As for the shift into play format, well, it's explained, but the way I saw that scene is as a play. It works as one, and was conceived as an exchange of dialogue, so it remained as just that. It's also a more familiar format for me, as I'm a playwright/screenwriter by trade, and it's been a while since I've worked in short story format.

* * *

Riku was pissed. How the hell could Sora not know? Okay, so he'd never told the kid, but really, everyone knew. It practically seeped out of Riku's pores that he was both gay and in love with the idiotic brunette. Even Kairi knew. Stupid bitch and her knowing smirking knowingness... _Yeah_, Riku thought, _that one totally made sense_.

Now, there was that stupid dance that everyone seemed to be going to. Some stupid end of semester thing. Riku would rather slit his eyes open and peel them then go to a party where he'd end up alone, ditched by his lovely best friends who were, apparently, now going out. Yeah, they weren't 'dating' or anything, they were still too high school for that. The worst part of it all, though, was that stupid look Sora got on his face when Riku told him he wasn't going. After Sora'd asked the most inane question on the face of the earth.

"Who are you going with, Ri?"

"No one, Sor. I'm not going."

"But-but Riku!"

"Not happening."

Did the kid really expect Riku to go? He had finals damnit. They were actually important, not some stupid dance that was still a month away. A month and Sora'd already asked Kairi. Oh that simpering little- Riku had some issues to work out, that was certain. Issues like a dumb as fuck best friend and an all-knowing bitch for the other. Between the two, he was sure they'd make a good couple, balance each other out a bit. Until then, he'd complain to any god who'd listen that he really didn't deserve this for whatever he'd done in any of his past lives. It couldn't have been that bad, could it? To deserve _this_?

Honestly, Riku thought he'd have gone crazy if it wasn't for Cloud. And maybe that drinking game with Zack. Which Riku had to remind himself not to do again. Ever. It led to things that, while this time might have been good in the end, could seriously end up fucking up his life. How many times could you get smashed and wake up in the bed of someone you aren't dating before it turns out badly? It should be every time, but for once, the puppy might have actually been right about something.

See, Riku went to one of those colleges that was basically a high school university. Sure, it wasn't as bad as some, where kids went with huge groups from their high school and there was no clique intermingling because, really, why bother with new friends when you don't have to? There were usually a groups of students, three or four, who'd been friends since they were five, and two to three of them would usually ban together. Now, most of them looked back to high school and thought 'oh, wasn't prom just so much fun? We should do something like it, a prom, but not, you know, a prom without the drama' because that was possible. And Sora and Kairi were the sappy type that would go to something like that because, for them, prom was lovely. It was for most high school students. It was only if you were Riku that it sucked, poor gay still-in-the-closet Riku who didn't have a date. Not that he was bitter.

Apparently Squall Leonhart, the guy Cloud'd been best friends with (and crushing on) since he was still in diapers was that kind of sap. So, being the lovely gent he was, he agreed to go with the lovely Rinoa when she'd asked. Yes, that's right, block of ice Leonhart agreed to go to a dance. There was blackmail involved, but the brunette obviously didn't care too much, judging by the barely-there smile on his face.

Needless to say, Cloud was in just as bad of a mood as Riku when they sat together in the back of their pointless history lecture. Pointless for Riku, because if he had a favorite war (if you could ever admit to something like that without sounding like a militant douche bag) it would be WWII. Which just so happened to be their history course. A whole semester of communism, fascism, and the good old tricks of capitalist countries and their advanced film industry. Oh yeah, the Ghost Army was fuckin' awesome shit. The lecture was typically pointless for Cloud as he spent the whole thing writing notes to Riku and doodling- unless he was sleeping that is.

The notes from this lecture that littered Cloud's notebook were as follows:

_Shitty day?_

_Hells yes. Have you heard about that useless-_

_Yeah. Sora and Kairi, like I didn't see that coming._

_HA! Yeah, Squall did the same._

_Ask you 'so who are you going with?' 'Cause I got that one._

_Nah. He knows better. Sora still doesn't?_

_His bitch girlfriend does though._

_At least he found a smart one. He'll need it. Rox, on the other hand..._

_How in the hell did neither of them come out with brain cells in tact?_

_It must be genetic, twins after all._

At which point both pens fell silent. A film. Today was _Saving Private Ryan._ Now, having a slavophile for a history teacher could be wonderful. It was great for learning about Russian participation in the second world war. A subject typically glossed over, and one that had always intrigued Riku, so really, he enjoyed some of this process of watching hollywood films just for the sake of learning the anachronisms and the utter falsehood of them. Lovely learning experience. Ten films however, and Riku wondered if the man could even teach without visual aid. Really, did people expect them to be accurate? If they were true, they wouldn't need Tom Hanks to play the lead in each and every one. When Riku's flinched as the lights dimmed, Cloud snickered. Full-on hand over mouth mocking laughter, complete with the requisite snarky expression.

Riku's problem with this, besides the waste of time, was simply that it was more effective to talk about what actually happened, rather than show common misconceptions. Because people are seeing what they think happened, they won't change their minds. Who makes a movie that isn't true, anyway? Yeah, right. Believe everything you see. That's the way to live your life.

Sitting through another half of a war film was grating on Riku's nerves. He actually liked the movie, thank you. Tom Hanks, misguided in his intentions as he might be, was a damn good actor. So what if V.E. Day was like, huge in Russia? Riku wasn't in Russia, now was he? He didn't particularly care who the hell ended the Nazi Regime, just as long as it was over, and he could now safely make jokes about a kitler named Adolf and his oven. Honestly. But, the shifting light flitting over Cloud's face was pretty damn entrancing. Who knew the blond could look so good with that look of intense focus on his face? Certainly not Riku. Mabye? Nah, that's just ridiculous. Riku was certifiably in love with one Sora Hikaru. Just as Cloud Strife was undeniably obsessed with his leather-clad god.

It wasn't a slow change that creeped up on them without notice. It was a drunken confession of mutual attraction (with the background of laughter from one immensely proud puppy and his girlfriend) that led to Riku waking up in Cloud's bed with no thoughts other than _why the fuck didn't I think of this earlier?_

Thursday was the average college student's drinking night. At least those in the non-artsy, non-business professions. Fridays were recitations and the occasional lab for the Arts and Sciences students, which meant that Thursday was the last day of classes. Naturally, this led to most drinking on thursdays and doing god knows what else for the rest of the weekend. For Cloud and Riku this meant that they'd hole up in Cloud and Zack's dorm room, play some idiotic drinking game until both were pleasantly tipsy, then proceed to annoy the living hell out of one Zack Fair in revenge for something that happened five years ago (or so Cloud claimed). Occasionally the violet-eyed student would join them. If he wasn't going on a date with Aerith, that is.

As they walked out of yet another pointless WWII lecture, Cloud turned to Riku and grinned at the other. Now, Riku was quite used to this pattern, and thus responded with his customary wink. No, not that creepy 'I wanna fuck you' wink that he sometimes gave Kairi to scare the shit out of Sora, but the 'I understand completely and I agree' wink. A normal wink. If such a thing exists. So, exiting the lecture hall, the two disgruntled and exhausted students stumbled toward the dorms. Note, Cloud is notoriously clumsy, but only on days starting with 'T,' 'S,' or 'W.'

Now, dear reader, you must understand that all of this pointless drivel is very much necessary, for Riku's life, the poor dear, is entirely composed of such meaningless drivel and narration. Riku likes to narrate his life in the third person with the detached, somewhat british, accent of his Lit professor. Why, you might ask. Why not, is Riku's only response. At this point in our tale, however, Riku would like for you to know that this narration habit only occurs after the fact, and thus, because he would rather not ever think of what is about to happen to him, the following scene will read much as a play. Note the names of the players, for they will preceed every line. Actions will only be denoted with stage directions, and the thoughts of the characters will remain undisclosed. For your reading pleasure, and Riku's own sanity. He thanks you kindly for this acquiescence.

* * *

(A dorm room, cluttered with books and clothes. It should be obvious that the room belongs two to men, clean but a complete mess. Band posters and stolen signs decorate the walls. On the floor, three teenage boys sit in a circle. Riku and Cloud each have a shot glass in front them, with a bottle of vodka between them. Zack sits with six fingers held up.)

CLOUD

This is fucking stupid.

RIKU

Whatever, we still get drunk, and we get to torment Zack.

ZACK

Hey! I take offense to that. It's your turn anyway.

RIKU

Aww fuck. Alright. Damnit. Okay, never have I ever drooled over Leon's leather pants.

(Cloud grumbles incoherently and downs a shot, pouring another into his glass. Zack just laughs.)

ZACK

So much for tormenting Zack, eh Spike?

CLOUD

Fuck you. You're not gay. You don't know what it's like.

ZACK

Hey, Ku's never drooled over your leather-god, 'n he's gay as a unicorn.

CLOUD

Stupid fucking piece of mother fucking sailor baby fetus-

ZACK

Uhh, Spike? Your turn.

CLOUD

Bastard. You'll pay for this.

RIKU

Uh, huh. Your turn Chocobo.

CLOUD

Never have I ever eaten any of Aerith's cooking.

ZACK

Wrong. You did. Remember that one time with the fish and the halloween decorations?

CLOUD

Damnit. Was hoping to get both of you for that.

ZACK

As penalty, you've gotta-

CLOUD

I'll take the shot.

ZACK

Nope. You've got to make out with Riku.

CLOUD

WHAT?

ZACK

You dissed Aer's cooking. Besides, I've gotta get back at Riku for that stunt he made me pull.

CLOUD

I can't believe you agreed to that rule.

ZACK

Sounded fair at the time. I've got to remember never to let you two plot against me again.

RIKU

Good luck with that.

ZACK

So, go on.

RIKU

Why?

ZACK

What?

RIKU

Why not let him just take the shot? That is the rule you know. So, if you're gonna break 'em, you better tell me why.

ZACK

I have my reasons.

(He receives a glare from Riku. The 'Jenova Stare of Doom' ©Jediempress)

ZACK

Okay. I just think it's ridiculous that you both find each other attractive, are both good friends, and gay, but you've never considered dating each other. Why the fuck not? It'd have to be better than what you've doomed yourselves to.

(Cloud just shrugs. Riku's glare softens. They turn to each other and proceed to seal their lips together. When Riku ends up on his back under the blonde, Zack gets up, 'hi-fives' his reflection in the mirror, and turns to the door.)

ZACK

Don't have too much fun. I'll be back tomorrow, spendin' the night with Aer.

(Zack leaves. The other two don't notice, too caught up in each other. Blackout.)


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Romantic Irony

Author: Kirrae

Pairings: CloudxRiku, RikuxSora (one sided), CloudxLeon (one sided)

Summary: Was it too much to ask for an intelligent best friend who knew without being told?

Disclaimer: Like everyone else on this site, I do not own the characters, they belong to Square Enix, their creator Tetsuya Nomura, and Disney. I only own these words.

Authors Note: I think I'm having a bit of trouble keeping the same tone as the first. I might just be a perfectionist, but if it's a problem or overly noticeable, let me know. It'd also be great if you could just give your thoughts on the plotline. It's rather pedestrian for my tastes, but, I'm trying.

Thanks for reading.

* * *

Now, when Riku awoke, he was a bit shocked, just slightly really, to find himself curled up against his blonde friend and in said friend's bed. It wasn't the first time. However, every other time Riku had the pleasure of waking up to Cloud's spiky hair in his face, he was wearing clothes. This was not the case. Which meant that the previous night happened. And that he really did enjoy being submissive. Both of which, Riku wasn't exactly ready to admit. Rather, it must have been that the two simply decided to opt for some drunken naked cuddling. Which did not, he repeated, did not come after some slightly drunken, but still mind-blowing sex. So, he'd just sleep some more, then he'd deal with the chaos.

While Riku opted for blatant denial and an attempt to go back to sleep, Cloud likely woke up with the slight stiffening of a body at his side, and decided to hold a staring contest with the ceiling. He wasn't even going to think of what had just transpired. No, he was just trying to ignore the all-too-familiar ringing of Zack Fair's laughter which was bouncing around his cerebral cortex. Riku knew, because he could practically hear Cloud thinking, Stupid smug, plotting bastard, I bet Aerith put him up to this... Oh, that woman will pay. Because Aerith Gainsborough, the sweet little flower girl, was five feet and four inches of pure evil. If, of course, you were Cloud Strife.

Which reminded Cloud of something he had to do. Probably something along the lines of Squall. Well, at least Cloud's taste in men hadn't changed much, he still went for the silent, dark types with long hair. Which could offer the perfect reason for last night. He just thought Riku was Leon. Because it was a common mistake. Both were tall, wore pants, had long hair, enjoyed making fun of Cloud, and were men. So, they were exactly the same. Except Riku was gay, so yeay, a plus! And Cloud looked like a slightly taller and more muscular, emo, Sora. Well, he was pretty much a taller Roxas, considering the attitude and the hair, but hey, at least he was occasionally nicer that the smaller blonde. And his hair didn't spike into a mohawk. He looked like a Chocobo regardless of what he did to his hair.

Oh, did I mention, dear reader, that Cloud was predictable enough for others to recite his inner monologue? It's a rather simple talent, really. Just deny everything, curse everyone, and beat on yourself until you've managed to give yourself physical bruises. So, Riku knew the basics of the others thoughts. He wasn't happy to know what the blond was thinking, because it made him think of things, for one, and also denied him sleep. Cloud decided to move, as if to leave, and thus made Riku think of all this. He's a bastard, they do that kind of thing.

"Hey, Ri?"

"Mmmm? Go back to bed Cloud. 'S too early."

"Gotta go help Leon with his dance-ness things..."

"Psh, you aren't coherent. Sleep. 'M not movin'."

And Riku pulled Cloud tighter, nuzzling his face into the other's chest, and falling back asleep. Cloud sighed and let the tension fall from his shoulders. The sleeping Riku showed his appreciation by smiling and leaning further into the warmth he was curled around. Riku certainly was not clinging, for he was incapable of something so girly. Though, he did have the hair for it.

They stood across from each other after they dressed in silence. They still hadn't said anything since deciding to wake up. The distance between them hit like a knife to the chest, but not really, because you couldn't feel pain if it was just sex. They were just good friends who had drunk sex, happened all the time. They could move on. At least now Riku wouldn't want to bang his head repeatedly into a concrete wall whenever he heard Kairi giggle at something stupid Sora did, and Cloud wouldn't be quite so eager to ogle Leon's leather pants. Just a release of tension. Not an admission of any kind of "more than friendly" feelings. Nothing like romantic love was involved.

Then why the fuck does it hurt so fucking badly?

"It-"

"Yeah, just a misunderstanding. I mean, you look so much-"

"Yeah, I've got the hair."

"Yeah."

"So?"

"Yeah."

If it happened again, then they'd deal with it. For now, it was just a case of mistaken identity.

And cue Zack Fair's laughter from the other side of the door. Fucking shitty, thin, worthless dorm walls. Doors, in this case. He walked in, looked at Riku, as if he knew anything, and kept laughing.

"You two are hopeless. So, you're just gonna pull the 'well, I'm basically Leon with a better attitude and an attraction to men, and you're a bleached Sora with a few emotional issues. We can just ignore the glaring problems with this logic, and proceed to shamelessly have sex. Also ignoring our feelings, because we're men, and don't have any' bullshit? Because if so, I need some damn popcorn."

"He talks too much."

"I only live with him, I hadn't noticed."

"Well, you are notoriously unobservant."

"Another thing I hadn't noticed."

"See my previous comment."

Zack actually did microwave some popcorn and proceeded to sit cross-legged on his bed, laughing at the looks of abject horror on his friends faces. No, only on Cloud's face. Riku was fine with everything. He was good like that. His heart was simply being ripped out of his chest and fed to rabid wolves. Happens all the time.

"This never happened."

"Agreed."

More laughter. Because, you can just erase things that have been seared into your retinas, not to mention your brain. Riku was certain that he would never in his life be able to get the image of Cloud's face mid-orgasm out of his head. It was there every time he blinked, damnit. He didn't want that. But it was there, and stuck, apparently. Not even his mental stock image of Sora's all-too-cheerful face managed to even partly erase it. Seemed like he was stuck with Cloud's face tattooed on the inside of his eyelids. Could be worse. Could be Leon. Mental shudders and just eww, fucking, eww. Didn't need that.

Riku was not part of Leon's fan club. He found the other somewhat ill-tempered, which was manageable, but not all that impressive. He'd look better with shorter hair. Honestly, some people just could not pull off the shoulder-length locks. They required a certain facial structure which Squall Leonhart completely lacked. Scars, even facial scars, were not all that sexy, and they didn't make one manly. Just meant you fell on a rock as a kid, 'cause you had no balance. Riku didn't show off his scars. Why bother? Everyone had at least one somewhere. And the leather, oh dear god the leather. Why of all things leather?

Yeah, Riku would soon be beating his head into a concrete wall again. Not the one in his room. Dorm walls weren't really capable of much, just hanging posters, really. Nothing else. They didn't even dampen sound. Or withstand the force of a door opening and hitting said wall. The wall broke. Personal experience speaking, obviously.

"I- I just, I don't think I know how to act around you anymore." Riku was surprised to find that he was indeed the one speaking. Zack chose this moment to conveniently run out of popcorn, shake the bag forlornley, and mutter something about lunch before walking out the door. The slam of the door falling back into the jamb was suddenly as ominous as if it were part of a soap opera- too dramatic to be anything but comical and slightly foreboding. Riku's ensuing laugh was, however, caught in his throat.

"Ri, it's gonna be fine."

"Uhh, yeah, sure. Because this isn't the most awkward thing I've ever been involved in." Sporadic twitching and waves of discomfort do not radiate from Riku.

"We'll just, let's just see what happens, okay?" Silence, Cloud studies the floor intently. "I don't like seeing you like this?"

"Like what?"

"Never mind."

"Damnit Cloud, what the fuck did you mean?"

"Riku, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"No idea. I'm gonna go back to sleep."

"It's after two PM, you sure you aren't sick or somethin?"

"Cloud, I'm not a girl. I'm not pregnant. I thought you knew how this whole sex thing worked."

Cloud is not amused in the slightest, but Riku finds himself hysterical. Riku often cracks himself up, while no one else laughs at his humor. Yes, he is one of those. He'll be fine in a few minutes if you just let him laugh it off. Might be the stress. He's often too serious. Or so Sora says. Always has been, maybe he was born that way.

"Riku."

"Yes?" Dazed, glassy eyes and that manic/psychotic grin he always got whenever he laughed were plastered on his face. He wasn't drunk, Riku really didn't need to drink in order to act as if he was. He could do the loose, buzzed retardation to himself.

"Let's go get lunch. Zack's paying."

"Yes! My wallet is saved!"

"Are you sure you aren't bipolar?"

"Are you sure you aren't emo? Oh wait."

"Fuck you, Ri. Fuck you."

"You already did, sweetheart."

Self-destruct sequence activated. In five... four... three... two...

"RIKU!"

Sitting at his table by the window, Zack fair wasn't all that surprised to find the blond chasing Riku into the cafe. It happened every friday. Looks like they hadn't let the stupidity get too bad. They were dumb enough as it was. They stopped at the table and sat down, Riku taking the seat with his back to the window (mafia-don chair, he had some thing about always having his back to the wall, weird ass kid), while Cloud sat with his back to the world. They were made for each other.

"You can't catch me, fatty."

"Riku, now, you know that isn't true. You'd have noticed last night."

"I did. I just didn't want to hurt your feelings."

"Oh, so not only am I a drunk fuck, but I'm a pity fuck as well?" Cloud blinked twice. "Thanks." So much sarcasm for such a small word. It was a skill.

Cloud couldn't see why, but for some reason (other than the obvious mention of their drunken escapades) Riku tensed to the point where you could probably break your hand against his arm had you punched it.

"Hey Riku, Cloud, Zack. How are you guys?"

Fucking Sora. That bastard.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Romantic Irony

Author: Kirrae

Pairings: CloudxRiku, RikuxSora (one sided), CloudxLeon (one sided)

Summary: Was it too much to ask for an intelligent best friend who knew without being told?

Disclaimer: Like everyone else on this site, I do not own the characters, they belong to Square Enix, their creator Tetsuya Nomura, and Disney. I only own these words.

Authors Note: I'm trying to keep to a one chapter a week schedule. Roughly. Sometimes I'm faster, sometimes I'm slower. Oh well.

I like this chapter, but it's a bit too much filler. I'm trying to keep things from getting too rom-com. So, the whole thing's going to lack the typical traps. I hope that doesn't make it too boring though. Let me know if it puts you to sleep. I'd rather know than keep writing mindless drivel.

Thanks!

* * *

Sora was a good kid. A bit dull, to be true, but a good kid none the less. His new girlfriend, on the other hand, was both sweet and undoubtedly the most devious person Riku had ever met. They were friends, yes, but that did not mean that Riku had immunity when it came to her dastardly machinations. No girl could be as intelligent as Kairi and date Sora without having some ulterior motive. Riku was certain of this, not because of his increasing paranoia, mind you, but because he'd seen things. She was shrewd in her business deals (Riku'd been dragged shopping enough times by the woman to notice), she was unnaturally observant (She was the only one who noticed when Riku got his hair trimmed - just a half an inch, and she could tell the difference, Riku couldn't even tell he'd gotten it cut), and often wore this secretive half smile. She was up to something. She was always up to something. Dastardly little...

But oh how he loved her sometimes. That adorable, unassuming savior.

"Oh, Riku. Hey, do you remember what our Calc assignment was? I completely forgot, you know how I get sometimes." Cue adorable giggling and hair twirling. Oh, she could play such a convincing ditz sometimes. Lovely girl.

"Yeah, just the intro integral problems. They're really easy, just Riemann sums basically."

"Riku, what would I do without you?"

"Die, probably."

"RIKU!" Ugh, overprotective boyfriends. Stupid Sora. Riku was being normal. Sora should be happy, it's the most normal Riku's been for weeks. Thank you, Cloud. Wait, no, bad thoughts. Riku seems to have shorted himself out, dear reader, for he blanks out the rest of the conversation. He simply remembers that Cloud looks vaguely annoyed at Sora, and Zack is just a bit too triumphant. It's unnerving. So, he returns to the oblivion of 'Look! It's Sora's head on a bulls-eye! Yeay projectile weapons!' It's a good plan, considering. Really, Riku was trying not the think of the dull ache at the base of his spine. It was his spine that was hurting him, he slept weird. College beds are tiny. Not meant for two people. It wasn't the sex. He didn't have sex. Not with Cloud. Oh look, the arrow pierced Sora's left eye. It isn't a good look for him.

Apparently, Cloud, in his infinite stupidity, had agreed to help Squall find clothes for the Dance of Doom © (2010 Riku Masani), because Squall only had a month to get together a half-way decent outfit for a pointless dance with a girl who practically tripped over her own tongue when he walked past in his leathers. Because they were necessary for all occasions. Riku is only bitter because he somehow got roped into going with Cloud. "Moral Support" or some other bullshit. Well, Riku could get revenge, he'd just have to constantly mention how hot Leonhart looked and laugh at Cloud's discomfort.

Riku, poor dear, has apparently missed the memo that despite agreeing that the previous night had never happened, had basically become Cloud's requisite 'I don't wanna do this, so you have to suffer with me' buddy. But they weren't dating. They just enjoyed each others company and occasionally got sadistic glee out of tormenting one another.

Please note: Malls are the bane of Riku's existence. That is all.

"So, Squall-"

"Leon."

"Uh huh, yeah. The whole 'I'm going to college, I have a new personality' thing is mad lame. You're the same as you were in high school Leonhart."

"Cloud!"

"Eh, don't mind him,_ Leon_, he's just bitter that he didn't have a cooler weather name."

"Weather name?"

"Oh, come on, like you haven't noticed."

Genuine confusion on behalf of both parties. Oh, this was good.

"Your names are Squall and Cloud. Both of which have something to do with the weather. A squall is a storm. A cloud is evaporated water that kinda floats in the atmosphere. Yeah, I know, real scientific, but whatever. Point is, both of your parents were hippies. Just face it, you're one step away from starshine and moonbeam."

"Oh, Ri, that's just cold."

"Face it Cloud Strife, you're just some angsty water floating around, causing doom to yourself."

"Wait, 'causing doom' how is that in any way grammatically correct?"

"Well,_ Leon_, he hates himself, so he destroys his life. It's all rather simple. So, weather pattern number two, what do you need for this mini-prom?"

"Whatever."

"Well, Riku, you've managed to shut him up. Congratulations. You're like everything else. Real special."

"Eh, I'm just glad neither of you speak Japanese."

"Why?"

"No reason."

Cloud decided it would be better to not ask. He might survive that way. Not that he was going to, he was kind of screwed from the start... well, that's a pun. He's screwed because he screwed Riku. heh, Shakespearian humor.

"You've got some lame weather name too don't you?" Look Squall's on to something. Let's stare at him in awe! Cloud's internal Zack laugh returns. This was getting old.

"Geography, actually."

"Figures."

"Sor and Kai are just as bad, you know. We're all children of the 1960s."

"I was hoping we weren't."

"Okay Moonbeam."

"Whatever you say, Cliff."

"Hey, look, dress shirts. This'd look good on you Squall."

"Cloud. That's pink. Put it down."

"It's not pink! It's salmon!"

"Even better."

"Really _Leon_, you should have known better. It's Cloud. Even though all he wears is black, he has the fashion sense of a girl. I think it's in his gay gene or something."

"Shouldn't you have that problem?"

"Nah. I think it's Karma. I'm not emo, so I'm rewarded with knowing that wearing pink is like having a neon sign above your head reading 'I'm so gay, I usually wear a feather boa.' Unlike Cloud, who thinks it's perfectly acceptable."

"Salmon is not pink!"

"Cloud, it's pink."

The shirt was put back on the rack, and Squall promptly turned on his heel. Likely heading for items that contain leather. Lots and lots of leather. All he needed was the motorcycle and the tattoo of a heart with a banner reading 'Mom.' Maybe a beard too. Though, that wouldn't look to good on him. It'd clash with his 'I fell on a rock' facial scar.

In the end, Squall ended up deciding to just wear his damn leather pants and a shirt he already owned. Cloud was slightly less happy than he thought he'd be after oogling Leon's ass in a variety of pants for hours. Maybe it was Riku's 'I'm so bored I'm going to leave you all alone with your weird leather fetish' look. He could be so derisive and threatening when he was pissy. Still, somehow, the pout was cute on the silvered teen. Which was weird, because it wasn't exactly easy to relate 'cute' to a pissed off Riku. Typically it was either 'dead sexy' or 'oh fuck' that went along with that particular glare. It usually depended on who it was being aimed at.

This was getting a bit out of hand. Quickly.

Riku didn't want to go back to his room. He knew what he'd find, because he knew his roommate. Sora and Kairi would be all cute in their corner of the room, and Riku had to go back and take a shower (and grab some clothes, he was not sleeping there, he couldn't do it). He called out to them before he'd even set foot in the door.

"Hey. I'm happy for you 'n all, and I don't care what you do, just put some clothes on and don't have sex on my bed."

He then waited until the sounds of shuffling and rifling died down before opening the door, keeping his eyes away from the far side of the room, grabbing some extra clothes and heading for the shower. This was gonna suck. Maybe he could permanently move in with Cloud and Zack, their floor wasn't that bad, and he could always share a bed with Cloud, like always... Or not. Definitely not. Riku might like that too much, being pressed completely against a solid wall of muscle and warmth, curled against the other like a cat, entwined... Yeah, he'd like that too much. Maybe, the whole thing with Sora wasn't all Riku'd thought it had been. Or maybe he was just damn horny.

Riku would stick to his convictions. For all of five minutes: from the end of his shower to the moment he saw the blonde upperclassman open his door and smile as he let the younger boy in.

When Riku managed to extricate himself from the shower, he found his two friends sitting on the edge of Sora's bed, looking like a pair of conspiratorial sheep. The big doe eyes they both had prevented them from looking anything close to terrifying.

"You're gonna be staying with Cloud and Zack again?"

"Probably. We're going out later, like always. You two should come, unless you're too busy with other things."

"Oh, Riku, we're never too busy for you."

"If you say so Kai."

She had the grace to look offended, but it didn't last. She ended up giggling. That annoying, light twinkling sound girls were so fond of using in place of a laugh. How did straight men do it, Riku wondered.

"We might come, you never know. Where are you guys going?" Look, Sora can speak now! It's such an improvement, one comment in a conversation. Sad thing was, it was an improvement. At least he wasn't still staring at Kairi like she was the newest Call of Duty game. It was sickening.

"Same place as always. Diner."

"Pancakes for dinner Riku? Didn't your mother teach you better?"

"Nope. I don't have a mother."

"She'll be so proud when I tell her that one when we get home. She'll get all 'my son's finally growing up' because she, like the rest of your family, is weird."

"Kai, don't start hating on Jenova. Seph and Kadaj will kill you. Loz will cry, and Yazoo will re-style his hair. Don't do that to me. I like your parents too much, Loz never stops crying, and Yazoo will probably end up with pink streaks this time."

"He did look adorable with the blonde pigtails though."

"Please tell me," Riku began, looking as if he was praying to every diety that he was wrong, "that you did not just say he looked cute as a powerpuff girl."

"Sorry Ri."

"I'm going to go commit suicide. You just called one of the triplets of doom cute. My life is over. Tell Seph he's a bastard."

"Sure thing. Tell Cloud I say hi."

All Kairi got in return was the sound of the door slamming shut.

"He's such a drama queen."

"Kairi, it's Riku. He's been like this since we were five. At least he doesn't still insist on kicking my ass at everything."

"Oh Sora. He still does. He just doesn't laugh in your face about it anymore."

From the other side of the door Riku felt the need to chime in. He hated it when they did this to him. It happened all the time. He'd leave, but not quickly enough to miss Kairi mocking him. So then he'd have to stay and intervene. It was tiresome.

"Yes I do. He's just too busy staring at your ass thinking of how cute it looks in that pair of skanky low-riders."

"RIKU!"

"It's true. Take it from the gay man, you're a prostitute, hun. You have no shame." And he continued down the hall, hips and bag swinging, humming a victory song.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Romantic Irony

Author: Kirrae

Pairings: CloudxRiku, RikuxSora (one sided), CloudxLeon (one sided)

Summary: Was it too much to ask for an intelligent best friend who knew without being told?

Disclaimer: Like everyone else on this site, I do not own the characters, they belong to Square Enix, their creator Tetsuya Nomura, and Disney. I only own these words.

Chapter Note: This one took me a bit, because I wasn't sure where to go with it. I hope it isn't too wordy at the beginning and too dialogue heavy at the end. I'm sure it is, but I'm hoping you don't care. Please review, tell me what you like and what you hate, what doesn't work, and what is completely useless.

Thanks!

* * *

Riku could not wait to laugh his ass off at Sora's attempt at dancing that night. Oh the wonders of dance club fridays! Some people just didn't have any sense of rhythm... or shame. Sora was the kind of kid you liked to laugh at on the dance floor, messy and awkward. Zack was somewhat similar in terms of being over-enthusiastic, but he tended to have more grace than the short brunette. Most things had more grace than that short brunette. Even Cloud, and watching him dance was a bit like a train wreck, was less of a fiasco on the dance floor. It was almost terrifying that Cloud was better than anyone when it came to dancing.

Riku used to think it was a damn shame. Considering that Sora is now dating the resident dancing queen, Riku has revised his opinion so he now finds it ironic and hysterical. Of course, Riku, being who he is and finding the thought of Sora dancing hysterical, presumed to cackle manically while sitting at a booth in the crowded diner. Aerith, who was sitting at the boys left, could only shake her head and pat him on the shoulder. It would wear off soon.

Or in twenty minutes. Usually somewhere between the two.

This time, it took Riku about five minutes to return his breathing to normal. At which point he finally noticed the odd looks he was receiving. He shrugged. These things should be normal by now.

"Hey, Riku, care to enlighten us?"

"Eh. You know. Friday dance night and Sora."

"Uh huh."

"They're coming. Think so. Got a text message. It was all jumbled, so I had to translate it to 'we is are coming to dance cat party of our baby cheetah (or cheater, not sure which) cotton.'"

"That was the translation?"

"Uh huh. Wanna read the original?"

Sadly, no one took Riku up on his offer. It was a shame.

"So, what do you say, Aer? You wanna go dance with the kiddies this evening?"

Aerith giggled softly into a raised hand and nodded. Cloud proceeded to punch Zack in the shoulder. Riku sighed, being the long-suffering saint that he is.

"Not funny."

"Considering this morning, I thought it was appropriate."

"What- how?" And Cloud sputtered off into a mess of unintelligible syllables and half-questions. Riku proceeded to rifle through his bag, pull out a different shirt, grin, and place it back into the bag. He had a plan for this one. He then proceeded to hunt through Cloud's clothes like his life depended on it. The blonde just stared in shock until a shirt hit him square in the face.

"Change. Now. We don't have time for you and your dramatics. Go."

And the shirt he was currently wearing was ripped straight off his head, with the average, minor difficulties. Zack was, of course, laughing his head off during the entire process of getting Cloud into appropriate attire, complete with fixed hair and all. In the end, the blonde upperclassman actually looked decent. Riku, on the other hand, looked as if he'd fought a war single handedly and lost.

The IRHC (Inter Residence Housing Committee) got a lot of stupid ideas. A lot of them. Most of them were thanks to Demyx, one of the treasurers, as he'd waged a 'campaign' against 'boring college activities' and so tried to make dorm/college events awesome. He usually failed, but hey, at least he tried right? And the Friday Night Dance Club was probably his most successful invention, being that it had survived three consecutive weeks and is going on to its fourth.

The main dining hall - a large, flat building usually filled with tables, chairs, and cooking equipment was now decked in black lights and streamers. A typical crappy DJ was working away at his computer, mixing every pop song with a crappy fake drum beat. Because that always sounded good. Every song needed the same bass line, because you can't dance to something without the stereotypical dance beat. At least they hadn't started in on the rock songs. The Rolling Stones should have performed with a drum machine, you know.

Riku wasn't a fan of automated music, but he liked to dance, so he suffered. Cloud wasn't a fan of anything. Zack liked to laugh at Cloud's poor attempts at dancing. Aerith, well, she was too much of a sweetheart to deny her friends and boyfriend anything, especially when it gave her the chance to drag Zack off into a corner, away from the blind idiots, so that they could get some time alone. As alone as you can be in public.

"Hey, Ri, seen the dynamic duo yet?"

"Which one? Sor and Kai or Squall and Rinoa?"

"The two most likely to end up here."

"So... Sora and Rinoa. Okay, I'll scout 'em."

"Riku..."

"You know as well as I do, Cloudy darling, that Squall- Leon- would never come of his own free will, and Kairi is still probably holed up in her room going through all of her clothes trying to find something that isn't skanky."

"Riku, what did you do?"

"You really like to say my name, don't you?"

"Riku!"

"Aww, I'm so loved. Don't forget it though, babe, you'll be screaming it later. Let's not tire out that throat of yours."

"I'm going to stop talking to you now."

"Okay. Fine. I may have told Kairi that Sora liked to stare at her ass in that pair of really low-riding jeans she loves to wear. And I may have then told her she was a prostitute. It was nothing, really."

"You're going to get killed one of these days."

"I'm gay, they can't kill me for my fashion advice."

"Riku, you have the fashion sense of a retarded kitten."

"Like _Leon_ and his hate of _salmon_ colored shirts?"

So, Cloud might have gone off sulking. Just a bit. Honest.

Zack might have laughed until his rib cage threatened to stab him in the heart.

And Sora might have cluelessly wandered in with his arm around a rather shy and conservatively dressed Kairi. Conservative being that she was wearing a shirt with sleeves that went past the waistline of her jeans. Scandalous, no?

"Hey Kairi, you really shouldn't listen to Riku. He's being a bitch today. Ow! Fuck that hurt you little piece of-"

"Shut up, Starshine."

Sora looked between the two, shrugged, and settled on a confused expression pointed at Zack, who shrugged in return.

"Seen Roxas?"

"Have you seen Axel? He's easier to spot and they're glued to each others... _hips_."

"Among other things."

"Riku! That's my brother."

"Hey! Fair started it."

"Real mature Masani."

"Fuck you Strife, you angsty little rain cloud."

"Okay, Cliff."

"It's earth or shore, okay douche bag?"

"Nice. And you made fun of me."

"So you two, when's the wedding?"

"Very funny Kai."

"You bicker like my parents, what can I say?"

"And you and Sora don't bicker?"

"My point exactly."

Riku's face met his palm. Swiftly.

"Let's just dance, yeah?"

"Smooth moves, Cliff."

"Moonbeam, I'm gonna kill you."

This was followed by a round of "Hey Leon"s (Squall, in the case of Cloud.)

"Did any of you see Yuffie? I'm baby sitting her."

"Tifa felt like dancing?"

"Rude."

"How's Reno taking that?"

"I don't think he's noticed. He's still laughing at Axel."

"Roxas is here?"

With a point in the right direction, Sora was off. Somehow not managing to loose Kairi. They must have missed their weekly twin meeting. Yeah. They scheduled when they would meet up. Mostly because they didn't hang out anymore. Something about separate identities in a place where no one had known them as The Twins since they were like five. Riku didn't understand, The Triplets of Doom were still that, then again, they didn't exactly have friends...

Sora was back after five minutes, they rescheduled. For Saturday. Which meant Riku would not be returning home until that night, if he came back. He didn't like intruding on the twin meetings. Axel somehow found them amusing. Riku found them creepy as all hell. They spoke in unison, while asking each other questions, it was evil.

Riku figured fuck it, and decided to walk from where they were standing at the back into the throng of people. He stood close to the edge, but far enough in that he wasn't completely visible or awkwardly standing by himself next to a crowd. He threw himself into the music, like always, swaying his hips and arms, letting his feet beat the ground when necessary, locking his knees alternatively. To Cloud, he'd always been the proof of a dancer's paradox, changing his movements to fit the specific song, he was something free yet chained. He moved as he wished, but was eventually relegated to the melody playing through the speakers.

Unfortunately, Riku's peace was obliterated, shattered like stained glass windows, as a hand roughly pulled him free of the mob of undulating bodies.

"Hey faggot."

"Siefer."

"I really ought to beat the shit out of you."

"I was just thinking the same thing."

Which, of course, granted Riku the pleasure of a fist to the jaw. Damnit, why his face? So, he kicked the blonde ass in the stomach. This succeeded in putting some distance between the two as well as calling attention to the conflict. Great. Sora to the rescue, huh?

"Siefer, leave him alone!"

"Sure thing runt, I'll leave your whore in one piece. Just let me rough him up a bit. He'll be more compliant that way."

"Fuck off Almassy."

"I said shut it, maggot!"

"And I said to keep you damn hands off him."

"Well, if it isn't _Squall_ Leonhart. I was wondering when you'd show. I was just-"

It's always fun to shut that bastard up by sweeping his feet out from under him. And thanks to Squall, he had a distraction.

"Oh look, he's on the floor. Nice change, huh bastard?"

A kick to the ribs kept him from answering. Riku was sad to see that he hadn't been the one to deliver the blow.

"I can fight my own battles Cloud."

"Doesn't mean I can't get some fun out of it too."

"Uh, Riku, what did he mean by all that?"

"Seifer? Oh."

"Riku?"

"Sora, he's full of shit, okay. Don't listen to that bastard."

"Oh, okay then. Thanks Leon."

Sora went back to his girlfriend. No surprise there. Dodged a bullet there though.

"Thanks,_ Leon_."

"Is that so difficult?"

"Yeah."

"Well then, Cloud, keep a better eye on your boyfriend. He's got a mouth on him."

"What?" Cloud was not happy. He's never happy, but he's more unhappy than usual. That didn't bode well. Riku was going to go hide now.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Romantic Irony

Author: Kirrae

Pairings: CloudxRiku, RikuxSora (one sided), CloudxLeon (one sided)

Summary: Was it too much to ask for an intelligent best friend who knew without being told?

Disclaimer: Like everyone else on this site, I do not own the characters, they belong to Square Enix, their creator Tetsuya Nomura, and Disney. I only own these words.

Chapter Note: A bit of a delay, I know, but the fluffiness killed me. At the end at least. It's a bit short, but I don't think I'd have been able to stomach writing anything more along the vein of this ending. Let me know what you think, as always.

* * *

Riku's hiding place, however, ended up being behind said blonde's best friend. Not exactly the greatest hiding spot ever, but Sora was too short, Squall would kill him, and any closet available was likely already taken up by well, other activities. Riku didn't want to think of who would have sex in a broom closet. Probably some nerds or that couple that was attached at the pelvis. Which would be Roxas and Axel. And Riku didn't need those images again. The last time was bad enough.

As Riku shuddered in horror, he watched as a familiar set of spikes appeared over Zack's shoulder. This would be good.

"Did you say anything to Squall?"

"I have told Squeon nothing."

"Squeon? What? Okay, never mind, but seriously-"

"Cloud, that was a barely coherent list of syllables that I am amazed to have understood. No, I did not tell your crush in black leather anything. Neither did Riku. Really, what the fuck would either of us say 'oh, yeah, well, they're basically dating, but they're in complete denial. It's fun actually. They're probably the best couple I've met in years, they complement each other well except for that little fact that they allow each other to deny what is blatantly in front of them. It's like SoKai all over again. But worse. Much worse. Gayer too."

"Zack."

"It is worse. At least Sora and Kairi admitted they liked each other. Not their best friends who they really couldn't ever imagine fucking. I mean seriously Spike, you've always been a headcase, but honestly? _Squall Leonhart_? You could have picked a more convincing cover."

"Zack."

"Just go fuck your silver beauty. I don't care. I'm sleeping on the floor anyway. Stupid girl night crap-"

"ZACK."

"Yes?"

"Shut the fuck up."

"On it."

"Riku."

If that didn't sound like a death sentence, Riku didn't know what would. He figured this would probably be a bit painful. He might as well just cut to the blatant denial.

"Cloud I didn't say anything I swear."

"Riku, get the fuck out from behind Zack. He's a useless hiding spot when I watch you run around him and can see your fingers," Cloud plucked one of Riku's hands from the shoulders off his meat sheild, "as you use them to keep him in place. Nice work, stealth ninja master."

"I hate you."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure you love me. Might have mentioned it the other night."

Panic. White-knuckled panic with a complementary sense of impending doom.

"Cloud, you got me away from the wonder twins, why the fuck wouldn't I love you?"

"Exactly."

Momentary pause. New thought line for Cloud.

"You should tell Sora eventually."

"I'll get to it."

"Make it a priority, I want to be able to shout "Riku loves Cloud" from the rooftops. Can't do that if he doesn't know."

"Why do you have to embarrass me at every turn."

"Because you love me."

"That makes no sense."

"Point."

A moment of contemplative silence, then: "Because I love you."

"Do you now?" Genuine interest.

"Of course not." More blatant denial. More laughter from Zack Fair's corner of life.

"It's a damn shame you don't. You just broke my heart, you bastard."

"And that's new how?"

Riku does not know how things progressed from this point, but he soon found himself pinned under the blonde once again. Truthfully, he does know, and while he likes to remember the (delightfully not drunk) sex, he hates to relive the mortification of the hour before. For your sake, dear reader, the following will yet again be in stage direction format.

RIKU

(With hand-over-heart melodrama)

It isn't. You break my heart daily, Cloud. Thousands of times daily.

CLOUD

And yet you break mine. Funny, how that is.

RIKU

Well, we are idiots.

CLOUD

True.

RIKU

Does Zack really think we make a good couple?

CLOUD

Ask him, not me.

(He turned, pulled Zack from his conversation about tomatoes in Buenos Aires and put him in front of Riku. Confused, Zack stands at mock-attention, two fingers held at his brow.)

ZACK

I have been summoned, young Jenova?

RIKU

Fuck you, Fair. What you said, was it true?

ZACK

All of it. I'm heading out. Have a nice night. Spike, dance a little. Loosen up.

(He wanders to Aerith, links arms with her, and waltzes out of the converted dining hall.)

CLOUD

But Zack! I hate dancing!

RIKU

You whine like a bitch.

CLOUD

Aww, baby, you forgot again? You're the bitch in this relationship.

RIKU

We aren't even in a relationship.

CLOUD

True fact. We should fix that.

RIKU

So, you're going to try and make an honest woman out of me, are you?

CLOUD

Riku. I'd be scared if you were a woman.

RIKU

Wby? Because then you'd have had straight sex? It's a damn shame. You were a pillar of the gay community. How dare you betray us.

CLOUD

I think I ought to go reprove my loyalty.

(He grabs Riku's arm and pulls him from the dining hall. They stumble back to the dorm room, half walking half kissing. A mess of limbs and moans.)

What Riku had no problem remembering was the way they'd fallen through the door only to hit the wall. He'd flat out whimpered at the loss of contact as their mouths pulled apart long enough to rip off shirts and toss them far away. He knew his last coherent thought was _please, don't let this end_. He knew he'd clung to the blonde as his body writhed, as his mind lost the ability to process the onslaught of seer pleasure.

Riku had no shame in admitting that he'd taken the time to memorize the sound of each of Cloud's moans. That small, reluctant moan of surprise. The deep one of absolute lust. The agonized pleasure moan, all dark, whiney, and somewhat aggressive. Riku's favorite had to be the last though. The way the two syllables of his name managed to tumble out of the others mouth, so savage and treasured, would stick with him forever.

It was probably the lamest way to hook up with someone ever. If not, it was damn close. Honestly, they just bantered their way into sex. They kind of did the first time, but it was horrible banter. Drunk banter. Empty and yet full of idiocy. This time they had no excuse. Well, Riku had no excuse. Cloud could blame it on brain damage. It'd make all of his past failures make sense. Including that whole 'I like Squall' thing. Yeah. That was definitely his shining moment of glory. Kind of like Riku's insistence of 'Sora, it's always been Sora.' Lies. All of them.

Riku lay curled up next to the blond the next morning, only slightly dismayed that they'd ended up in a pile of sheets on the floor. At least the comforter was beneath them. It made a good pillow. Then again, so did Cloud.

Cloud, who had pulled the younger tight against his chest as they settled into sleep. Cloud, who'd called his name, not Squalls. Cloud, who'd admitted to sleeping with him, and hadn't gone ballistic for the boyfriend comment. Cloud, who had smiled at him with shining eyes and said:

"Stay with me."


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Romantic Irony

Author: Kirrae

Pairings: CloudxRiku, RikuxSora (one sided), CloudxLeon (one sided)

Summary: Was it too much to ask for an intelligent best friend who knew without being told?

Disclaimer: Like everyone else on this site, I do not own the characters, they belong to Square Enix, their creator Tetsuya Nomura, and Disney. I only own these words.

Chapter note: As always, try to review if you can. It's coming to the end now (only one chapter left), so if there's anything you'd like to see happen or are unsure about, let me know. And for this particular chapter, I do have a bit of a 'title,' (though I'll stick with Chapter 6 for the official one) I've been calling it 'We Close Our Eyes' for the past day and a half, with the song by Oingo Boingo in mind. Not that it's particularly important for most of it, just the last sequence.

* * *

As sentimental and romantic as Riku could be (he'd read enough romance novels to realize that he was one of those candle-lit dinner lovers, cynical, but with a soft underbelly), he really couldn't help but laugh at the particular line of thought that led him to his reveries. He fell asleep on Cloud. He'd slept on a cloud. Not a particularly fluffy or soft one, but hey, he couldn't help but make the pun.

"What in all hell is that funny this early in the morning?"

"Cloud, it's noon."

"Which is too damn early on a saturday. You didn't answer me."

"Nothing. Just thinking about the cloud I slept on."

And Riku was gone again. He was practically convulsing, clutching onto his sides in attempt to stop the aching in his ribs. Curse his diaphragm. And ribs. Both of them, but mostly the ribs. Stupid things keeping his organs in place. Useless.

"Riku, you need help."

"I'm sorry. It's just... I can't help it. Your name is Cloud. I use you as a pillow. I need to make the pun. It's like a requirement or something. Comes with the territory kind of thing."

"Comes with what territory?"

"Being Riku Masani. Gotta make shitty puns. Actually, no, that's Axel's job. However, I think it's worn off on me. Really should stop hanging out with him, it's beginning to become-"

"Riku, shut the fuck up."

"Nope. It's okay Starshine, I think I can stop now."

"Why the fuck are you still doing that?"

"It's been like... a day."

"Exactly. Get over it, stop, or something. It's old now."

"Is it? Is it really?"

"Fine, Cliff. Have it your way."

"CLOUD!"

Riku realized he could very easily spend the rest of his life camped out on that floor, curled up next to the blonde, but eventually campus housing would kick them out. Around the time they failed by not attending class. If not for that, he would never have moved. It probably would have saved him the painful confrontation with Sora.

"Hey Riku, where've you been?" Sora asked as Riku walked back into their dorm saturday afternoon. He raised an eyebrow at Riku's slight limp, but didn't ask. Probably wrote it off as an 'I slept on the fucking floor, ow, baby jesus!' ache.

"Huh? Oh, been stayin' with Cloud."

"Oh."

Roxas wasn't quite as gullible as his twin. He had his moments, however. Still, this wasn't one of them, obviously, as he raised his eyebrow and grinned shamelessly. He clearly identified the 'I just had a dick up my ass' walk that Riku was currently sporting. No dorm floor could produce quite the same effect. Similar, sure, if you slept sitting up, but that was a bit more spinal than this. Riku could tell. He knew Roxas could as well. He'd seen the blonde with it enough to figure that the other could recognize it easily.

"So, Riku, what's up with you and Cloud. You've been quite close lately, hmm?"

"Roxas. Don't."

"I don't know why you haven't told him, honestly, what would he do? I'm exactly the same, afterall. I think he'd be better off knowing. Be happy for you. I offer my congratulations. It's about time you got laid."

The whole cackling thing Riku had- the indomitable laughter fests- was apparently contagious. Roxas was practically on the floor by the time Sora realized he'd missed something.

"Riku? What was he talking about? Why didn't you tell _me_?"

"I didn't tell him, Sor. He just guessed."

"Well?"

"I- uh, well, you see, Cloud and I, we sorta. We're kind of dating. Yeah. I'm gay. It never came up, sorry."

About-face. Two steps foreword.

"Riku?" Push-turn, cock hip, and tap foot.

"Yeah?"

"Why didn't you tell me? I thought we were friends. Yanno, best friends for life and all that."

"We are, Sor."

"So why didn't you tell me?"

"Sora. I- I just didn't think you'd understand, or you'd think I- I don't know. I was afraid I guess."

"Riku, quit the bullshit, why the fuck didn't you tell Sora?"

"Maybe because I haven't really told anyone. You all just knew, you know? It's- it isn't something I've ever had to admit to."

"Fucking closet case."

"Your point? I happen to have a very large, comfy closet thank you."

"Just make sure R Kelly doesn't inhabit it. He'd probably pee on you."

"Thanks Roxas. Really."

Sora remained conspicuously silent. Riku, forgetting why he'd even gone in the room in the first place (shower, mind you), walked back out the door. On his way over to Cloud's dorm, he managed to trip over Axel's long legs as the redhead lounged in front of Roxas and Zexion's room. How the hell those two got along was a mystery to Riku, it was an obvious failure of the roommate survey system.

"Heading back to your loverboy?"

"And here I thought you were waiting for yours."

"Ri, sit the fuck down. Why you rushin' off?"

Deciding to give Cloud some time with his best friend, Riku sat down against the opposite wall. They now took up the whole hallway, but it was college, who the fuck cared?

"Eh, you know. Just told Sora I'm gay. Didn't go too well. Rox didn't help."

"Roxy's good like that, yeah."

"You would know."

"That I would my friend, that I would."

"I got it memorized, yeah, I know. You can leave your trademark out of casual conversation. It might make you human."

"Dude, that musta been one lumpy cloud you slept on last night."

"I've been making that joke all morning. Sorry to beat you to it."

They shared a good chuckle at that.

"The smiley one really didn't take it well?"

"Oh, I don't think he minds the gay thing, it's more the 'I haven't told him' thing thats bothering him."

"Gotcha."

"Yeah, I mean, I kinda thought he knew for a while, but when I realized he didn't, I couldn't bring myself to say it."

"Because everyone else just knew, yeah?"

"It's really fucking obvious." Riku pulled on a length of hair and tugged at the hem of his skin-tight shirt.

"True fact."

"Indeed."

"They done yet?"

"Dunno. Left before I could find out. How long they been in there?"

"Bout an hour 'n twenty."

"They'll probably be done soon. I don't think they ever go past two hours. Want some company?"

"Don't you have a boyfriend to keep warm?"

"If anything, it'd be the other way around. He needs some time with Zack anyway. I don't think I could see them right now and not break down or something."

"That bad." Axel apparently didn't get the whole 'it didn't go well' thing. What a shame.

"Complete silence."

"From sunshine? Fuck."

"Yeah. You study for that Psych exam yet?" Change of topic for the win!

"Hell no. You know me."

"Yeah. It'd be a damn miracle if you'd even started taking notes."

"You wound me. Oh, Roxy, my love. I've been so alone without you!"

"Roxas. I'm gonna head out, then."

Riku didn't want to look to his left, didn't want to see the look of disappointment and concern on the short blonde's face. With a parting nod in the less bubbly twin's direction, he got up and walked (read: ran) to the stairs.

When Riku finally made it across campus to Cloud and Zack's, he proceeded to collapse on Cloud's bed, face down, spread-eagle. Cloud, who had gone to get the door, just sat back at his desk, looked at Zack, and shut the TV off. They weren't really watching it anyway.

"Uh, Ri?"

"Yeah."

"You okay?"

"Not really. I'm gonna sleep for a bit, kay?"

"Sure thing."

Riku was woken up thirty minutes later to the sound of Cloud's voice (such a lovely baritone it was, warm tones with sarcasm and a cold attitude) raised in argument with someone. Riku couldn't really place the other voice. Too tired. He really only registered Cloud's because the blonde was sitting by his hip.

"What did you say to him?"

"Nothing, I swear."

"Then why the fuck is he asleep at two in the afternoon? He woke up two hours ago. Sora, what the fuck did you do?"

"Nothing!"

At this, Riku decided that maybe waking up would be a good idea. His mind took a moment to clear, during which he realized that the argument was essentially about him. While it normally would have inflated his ego, Riku's immediate reaction was to try and bury himself under another hour of sleep or so. It didn't work.

"Hey, spike, maybe he's telling the truth."

"Zack, how the fuck does that work?" Riku stifled a laugh and decided to roll over.

"Spike, calm the fuck down. Maybe, just maybe, Mr. Smiley over here stayed silent and _that's_ why Riri's so upset. Silence after something like that can be a bit painful, yanno?"

Cloud managed to look down apologetically at the teen curled up at his side. He slid his fingers into silver hair, conveying his remorse as best as he could. Cloud never was good with emotions. Sora, however, preferred verbal confirmation.

"I just want to apologize."

"What for, Sora? It was my fault."

"Riku. I-"

"I get it Sor. It's fine."

"No, Riku, no it isn't!"

"Does everything have to be so dramatic with you? Sora, I forgive you for whatever you thought you did. I don't know what kind of guilt trip Kai sent you on, but it's fine. Now let me sleep."

When Sora left, he wasn't exactly what one would call happy. He was, however, both shocked and disappointed. He'd expected a less hostile conversation, but considering that he woke Riku up, he should have known better. They'd roomed for the last two years. Riku didn't function well in the morning. Like that time he'd tried to pour a glass of orange juice with the plastic pull-tab still on the carton. He'd seen it, but it was too late to stop the pouring motion. He'd gotten hell for that for weeks following the incident. Actually, he still got hell for it when the occasion struck. Like every morning when he forgot where he put his phone even though it was sitting on his lap.

"Go back to sleep Riku."

"Mkay."

Riku was vaguely concerned that the next time he'd wake up it'd be five years from now, and Leon would be married but remorseful and asking for Cloud back, and Sora would have had some weird bisexual identity crisis and required Riku's help. Some kind of weird shit. Wait, that was just that crazy dream he'd had ten minutes ago. Well then. To the dancing hippos of death and the mushrooms. Fucking Fantasia-esque dreams.


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Romantic Irony

Author: Kirrae

Pairings: CloudxRiku, RikuxSora (one sided), CloudxLeon (one sided)

Summary: Was it too much to ask for an intelligent best friend who knew without being told?

Disclaimer: Like everyone else on this site, I do not own the characters, they belong to Square Enix, their creator Tetsuya Nomura, and Disney. I only own these words.

Chapter Note: This is the last. I think it came out okay. Tell me your thoughts, and thank you for reading. It's been a pleasure to write this. And any suggestions for re-writes will be taken seriously. I have no problems revamping a few chapters to make this better.

Again, Thanks.

- Kirrae

* * *

(A diner clad in the hideous combination of pink, blue, and gold, looking like something out of a 1950s theme park. Squall and Cloud sit at one table, a mug of coffee in front of each. Riku stands behind the counter, leaning his head in his hand as he stares at the two at the table.)

CLOUD

So, uh, things still good with you and Rinoa?

SQUALL

As good as they can be considering the news.

CLOUD

Cancer's a tough sentence. She's, uh, well she's always been a strong woman.

SQUALL

Yeah.

CLOUD

Why is this so painfully awkward?

SQUALL

Because my wife is dying and we both know that you've always had a thing for me.

CLOUD

Right. About that... Uh. I-

(Leon grabs Cloud's hand with all the flourish of a soap-opera star. Riku's eyes fall out of his head and onto the counter.)

SQUALL

It's alright. I understand completely. When she's gone, I'll be alone, you know.

CLOUD

Yeah, I just don't, I mean, I've kind of given up and now I just don't know what to do.

(Sora walks into the diner in a purple mist, taking his place in one of the chairs at the counter.)

SORA

Riku, as much as I like Kairi, I've kind of always felt something for you, you know. And even though I never got the chance before now to tell you, it's why I got so upset about you not telling me you were gay all those years ago. I know, I know, but I'd like to see where this takes us.

RIKU

At one point I'd have taken you up on that but-

SORA

He doesn't really want you, yanno. He's got Leon now.

RIKU

What about Rinoa?

SORA

She's dead. Didn't you hear?

RIKU

Wait. What?

CLOUD

Squall, I just don't see this working. I mean, you're grieving, and-

SQUALL

He doesn't mean much to you, so why let him come between us?

CLOUD

And you? You're okay with this?

SQUALL

Why wouldn't I be, my love?

RIKU

What the fuck is _wrong_ with you people?

(At this, Squall stands to reveal that he is, in fact, a centaur. Cloud looks at Squall's horse body and grins lasciviously. Sora hops onto the counter and starts a victory dance with a group of amorphous mushrooms that cannot decide on a size. Riku bangs his head on the counter.)

Riku awoke to a dark room. Confused, by both the dream and the lack of the proper residents. He sat up and stumbled across the room to the door, flung it open, and glanced down the hallway. The door to Squall and Zell's room was closed, as was Angeal's down the other end of the hall. _Where the hell are they?_

Deciding that he should probably wait for one of the two to come back, Riku shifted back into the room, closed the door, and turned on the TV. Saturdays were usually quiet, as sundays were mostly about work. Not much drinking. Cloud and Zack usually spent it watching Law and Order marathons. SVU Only however. Riku and Sora typically spent it playing one of their old two-player PS2 games. As it was turning out to be an off night for all of them, Riku decided he'd take up Cloud and Zack's ritual. If only to keep the tradition alive. The TV could use the comforting routine anyway.

The fascinating thing about cop shows was their ability to recycle storylines over and over. Honestly, how much could you do with sex crimes? There wasn't that much room for creativity without getting into the realm of horror movies. SVU was unique in that it managed to remain a top tv show while being one of the most restrictive storylines. No plot development, as there was no overarching season plot, just vague, minimal personal stories and themes. No creative deaths like CSI, in fact, it was one of the more redundant of the Law and Order series. However the characters were compelling enough and the stories managed to stay away from extreme amounts of litigation which managed to hold any audience. Even the critical ones, as Riku found himself engrossed in the marathon, hardly noticing as Zack stealthily opened the door and crept into the room. Riku only looked up at the sound of Zack's relieved sigh, but he would like it to be known that he did not, repeat, _did not_ jump and shriek like a little girl.

"Shit Ri, what the fuck?"

"Sorry. Just, didn't see you there."

"Oooh, the marathon's still on? Shit yes."

When Cloud came back to his room twenty minutes later he found his boyfriend and best friend curled up on the floor under blankets, a bowl of popcorn between them, and glazed eyes fixed on the television set.

"Uh, guys?"

"Shut the fuck up. Stabler's got a confrontation with his daughter in thirty seconds."

"I love how they shot this sex scene."

"I know. They did a good job capturing his whole agressive, manly side, yet still being respectful."

"Ha. You would say that."

"Shut it you. I know you don't wanna see straight sex."

"Eh. Whatever."

"Guys?"

A resounding 'sssh' was Cloud's only answer. As Riku could clearly see the outline of his blonde lover illuminated by the diffuse glow of the TV, he could clearly see the other's patience wearing into a disturbed confusion.

"Get the fuck over here."

Deciding that his only choice was to comply, Cloud crept around to the silver teen's side and sat behind him, pulling the younger to lean back in his arms.

"So what is this? An Eliot Stabler is sexy marathon?"

"Something like that."

Riku grinned, "I believe it was something along the lines of 'The Men of Law and Order weekend' which is really just a polite way of saying look at the hot guys, and the creepy ones."

"Like Munch."

"Hey, I happen to like Munch."

"His partner is Ice T, enough said."

Thus the evening progressed, some slight cuddling, some popcorn, and a lot of jailed sex offenders. Riku occasionally shuddered as something reminded him of his dream. Mushrooms in a salad. Diner scenes. Blue and pink clothing. Gold jewelry. Horses. He had the unshakable urge to punch a small girl simply because she was wearing a pink shirt with jeans. And the damage he had wanted to wreak upon that gold-clad prostitute was unimaginable.

Eventually Cloud got suspicious. He did not recieve any answer from Riku, however, who shrugged and attempted to worm his way into the blonde's chest. Of course, when Riku managed to wander back to his own dorm the next morning (it was sunday, he had work to do damnit), he wished he hadn't.

"Hey, uh, Riku. Could we, you know, talk, or something. I-?"

"Sure, Sor. What's up?" To say that Riku was now treading on eggshells would be an understatement. He looked like a ballerina wanna-be as he toed his way toward his bed to throw his bag down and unpack. He could feel his face twisting into some caricature mask of confusion and, ultimately, worry.

"I, uh, well, you see-"

"Sora. Who died?"

"What? No. No one. I just- congratulations, you know, with Cloud."

Riku was now speechless and disturbed.

"I- well I was kinda thrown, you know. 'Cause like a year ago, I kind of had this crush on you and I guess, well I gave up on it 'cause I thought you wouldn't ever like me that way and, well, yeah. I kinda missed my chance huh?"

Now, this was actually said as ""I- well I was kinda thrown, you know. 'Causelikeayear ago, Ikindofhadthis crushonyouandIguess, well I gave up on it 'cause I thoughtyouwouldn'teverlikeme that way and,well,yeah. I kindamissedmychance, huh?" Which was heard as a practically unintelligible mess of syllables. Only after careful recollection and mental prowess (i.e. repeatedly asking Sora what the fuck he'd said) was Riku able to understand the drivel. At which point he felt the undeniable urge to bang his head against the nearest metal object. he settled instead for laughing until his vision turned black from lack of oxygen. Sure, he looked like an unhinged maniac, but it helped. Sort of.

Those damn dreams would be the death of him.

"Uh, Riku? I, well, I guess I'll go now. Gotta hang with Kai. Yeah. See ya. Say 'hi' to Cloud for me."

At this point Riku could do nothing but call Cloud and ask him if _Leon_ had stopped by to propose yet today. Cloud was neither amused nor comprehending of the situation.

"Uh, Riku, what fucking drugs are you on? Because whatever that shit is, don't do it again. Though, maybe you should give some to Yuffie. That I'd pay to see."

"It probably would be an amusing site, but I doubt that weird ass dream I had last night would do anything to make Yuffie act like she was inebriated."

"Dreams, Riku? About Squall proposing to me? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"It's all my subconscious, I swear. Okay, so maybe I'm blaming Sora. It's his fault really."

"Smiles get over his 'Riku is gay?' moment?"

"Yeah. Apparently he 'had this crush on me like a year ago' and thus was stunned. Missed his chance or some shit. I couldn't really understand him properly."

"Which means that Squall proposed to me."

"It would go along with the pattern."

"Uh huh. I'm sure it does."

Riku was not amused by this.

"Cloud. I'm scared. Hold me?"

Riku received no answer other than the blonde's unceasing laughter.

Until, of course, said blonde appeared at his door, pulled him into an embrace, and decided that his time would be best spent being sprawled across his bed after being tackled and practically snuggled into submission.

"So what kind of dreams are we talking about."

"Hideously decorated diners, and awkward conversations. Oh, and you leaving me for Squall. And a creepy Sora. Wait, I forgot the fact that Sor was a satyr and Squeon was a centaur, and the mushrooms. The fucking mushrooms."

"If it makes you feel better," Cloud was apparently attempting to make him feel better by conspiratorially informing him of some childhood mishap. "I used to be obsessed with blenders. From when I was like two to five. Some random shit about blenders used to amuse me to no end. I had a blender toy. Dreamt about blenders. Or so mom and Tifa tell me."

"Okay. That kind of helps." And five, four, three, two-

"Aww. Blenderboy. Do you make awesome smoothies?"

"Is that code for 'Cloud, you are my bitch, go make me food?'"

"Absolutely. I want to know about all of your weird hidden talents. And the fact that you might be competent enough to do_ something_."

"I can handle a blender Ri. You got one? Any frozen or refrigerated fruit? Yogurt?"

"We got all your smoothie needs. Sor loves 'em. Blender's next to the mini-fridge."

As he plugged in the blender and started preparing his 'smoothie masterpiece,' Cloud was unable to stop grinning.

"You want to know all my weird hidden talents?"

"Indubitably."

"Well aren't we both loquacious and full of commitment?"

The whirr of the blender cut off Riku's ability to respond verbally, so he settled for using his superior height drop a kiss against Cloud's brow and loop an arm around his shoulders. They stood there, even as the blender was shut off with the flick of a finger.

- Fin -


End file.
